THE DEMOLITION (Mental health breakdown)
What I remember ....
The day started out with a ritual cleaning, trying to wash off yesterday’s regrets. Peering into the mirror, a thought jumped into my head. Running downstairs opening the door, a deep sigh of relief now tumbled out of my mouth. There was nothing in the air that suggested fear.
I remember going back upstairs checking each floor that morning. Making sure that everything was properly put away. I tried to keep the house clean there was no room for mistakes, but yet the thought was still jumping in my head. I checked the windows although they were never opened, I chose to cover them with rose colored curtains. I, by no means wanted anyone looking through my, window unless I let them and besides I wanted my view perfect. There was no leaky taps that needed my immediate attention; everything was as it always was.
I have redecorated my house numerous times changing it; I’ve always wanted people to like my house. The ceiling was beautifully hand painted with images of childhood fantasies and fairy tales. Many days I would lay on the floor spending hours staring at painted memories, to happy letting the new ones pass me by. The floors were custom made, to thickening the soul. Parts of the house was untouched, I had learned not to play. I was very careful that nothing ever got broken.
My walls were perfectly erected, The many cracks that went up the walls through the ceiling did not interfere; it served a purpose. I have to admit my foundation was a haven for termites, making holes in the truth; it didn’t bother me… much. This is what I called HOME for years before the Demo, this is what I fought for. I should have known trying to stop or to delay it was senseless. Oh! There have been warnings; notes left at the door "I Am is coming" only to be greeted with a harden heart, my own.
The event was carefully planned, although it seemed unorganized it was a carefully contained. I had seen the small grenades of reality that were placed at the weakest points, I even remember hearing footsteps feeling that someone else was there.
“This is my house” I yelled, only a echo returned. I noticed sticks of dynamite with the word “Revelation” written on them. They were placed carefully in the holes that the termites had made. How much can the this hurt I thought, I wasn’t too worried.
Then suddenly it ignited “The Demolition” had began. I couldn’t believe it. A flood of tears came, I tried using tears to dampen the truth but, its message was too powerful. I began to feel the wall of words from my mother falling down with every exploding grenade. Sharp pains went through me, crippling my legs and hands, now even if I wanted to leave I couldn‘t.
Words hit memories causing chemical reaction of confusion, smoke and dust rose into the air.“I can‘t breath stop it, stop it!!!!!!” I screamed, suddenly the ground began to shake. The pressure of the truth came from beneath me, blowing the ceiling clear off, opening closed parts of me.
Then, a quietness entered, blackness lay over me, feeling heavy like a wool sweater soaked in water. No one came running to see what had happen or what the great explosion was. I was now in what resembled an empty lot filled with burning debris. I tried searching for anything that could be salvaged but, there was really nothing worth saving; memories, childhood pictures gone. The house was destroyed. I don’t recall getting out; I just remember my last thoughts before it all came down; “I give up, God! Please… help me!”
I was free and in one piece now, yes! My house better know as soul, spirit imploded on it‘s self only a Divine hand could have done it so perfectly. It seems you can’t avoid the Demolition; you can try only to delay it .
I am a witness to a Soul Demo…. mine; walls ( lies)which were once held by childhood manipulation are now bound with my Divine belief of self. In bold letters, “I am” marks my new door way. My (friendships)ceilings that were held with childhood fantasies are now securely fitted with thoughts of God’s love. In the center the windows which were covered with rose colored curtains (my eyes) are now clear for those who choose to look in.
I now have new floors, (knowing) only the best for me, I’m learning to walk all over again. Life is a journey “The truth will set you free “is the powerful implosion that crumbled my home, my Soul Demo.
The neighbors (you) don’t know of the old house (soul) all they see is a new and humble home(soul). It is a learning experience , I never will forget when my house/soul was once living with eyes shut, carelessly design and with no guidance.
God’s is my foundation. I will always pay attention now to the foot steps in the halls
..... and that is all I remember.
This piece was written almost 23 years ago ......you can rebuild......... Believe in you