I hate God!..... (a mental health confession)
I hate God.....
Yeah, I said it...I'm sure many others have too, not justifying it. I don't regret it, when you know better you do better.
Let me explain, my life has been tough more than I thought I could ever bear but, I am still here. At one of my darkest moments, I spoke to what I felt to be God. You know when you are alone and you begin to talk out loud with the hope that "God" is listening. I was having one my famous pity parties, damning God for all my life problems ...if only this, if only that. Suddenly all the years of pent up aggression came out, I screamed I hate you, God.
Just saying the phrase seems to have taken a lot of courage, a least for me. I grew up in a religious household and in my life, I was constantly surrounded by people of a variety of faith but, faiths none the less so saying the phrase felt like a rebellious freedom kinda like yelling at your parents, sort of....then thinking what is going to be the consequence, a fear came over me maybe I should not have said it I thought.
In that very moment, an odd stillness came over and this thought entered my mind;
So you believe you hate God, however, God is perceived by you, and yet you have never felt the heights of love. Y ou can not have one without the other and that journey takes many lifetimes. Hate; a dark negative emotion defined by human history a level of aggression towards another. Hate can be translated into having consciences of sole responsibility for your own life, having nobody else to blame no coming to rescue you but yourself realizing that truth can result in divine finger-pointing or hate at the only last possibility God. This is wisdom not hate for you know the truth there are things beyond our control and to accept that with what is perceived as love or hate is to surrender to the divine will.
I hate God turned out to be wisdom and freedom. My hate or what I felt as hate led me to a place to speak freely. I began to realize talking to God (yourself) needs to be true no matter how ugly it is in order for real change to happen. I always say If you think God gets offended or your anger is new ...think again the most important thing is to be Real talk in open air to yourself or to another ...( someone once told me that trees are great listeners ...taking in what we release and giving back as inhaled love but, don't forget to say thank you) Speaking freely is good helping to removing junk from the mind-clearing the path exercising your vocal emotions and having no fear of doing so empowers but, I like I said when you know better do better.
My talks with God have changed, I no longer have self-imposed restrictions that can block me from releasing deep emotions. I believe I have simply learned to respect my journey and the gift to communicate including the things I can not control and allowing my quest towards the height of love to begin...A.K.A GOD.